Expectations of a partnership
What should he/she be like? What should he/she do? In the modern age, newly defined femininity and masculinity make it more difficult to find a suitable role and to satisfy all of a partner’s complex, sometimes contradictory, desires.
“Taking a new look at the role models results in conflicts. Everything used to be more orderly. How are you supposed to satisfy wishes and to keep the desire in your life?” asks Martin Krautschneider. The expert also talks about “preserving roles”, a term from the start of the previous century that aimed to shine a light on role patterns. Today, we’re in a time of “preserving fantasies”. We are constantly focusing on who and what we should be and become. By striving to be the ideal figures portrayed in the influencer world, we are trapped in self-optimisation, and this makes us believe we are more desirable than others. At the same time, the traditional role behaviour is still anchored in both genders. Men have to demonstrate their power in relation to objects while women seek confirmation through words and actions.
“We should know that the core of the interaction between women and men is the conflict. It’s either about love or power. The difference generates competition that becomes an unproductive accusation in the power game but in the love game it results in recognition and appreciation of the partner’s qualities and behaviours. We should face this conflict (including the internal conflict) and be benevolent and patient with one another,” says Krautschneider.
Unfortunately, men often talk too little, and “truly wanting to deal with each other” is missed out – they often become silent and seek their salvation in this silence, but end up trapped in an echo chamber of themselves. Both genders reverse the perpetrator and victim role during disputes and use whataboutism* because they fear change. A desire to see progress in terms of processes and not simply rigidly stick to existing patterns is often necessary to get closer to one another. But what is reasonable for me? Every person needs to answer this for themselves. Krautschneider says “the most important thing is to always stay curious, to maintain interest in the other person.”
The counselor recommends introducing rituals to ensure this happens. These can be developed individually depending on a person’s tastes. “For example you could develop a greeting ritual, you could draw one another, you could listen to music and find a song you dance to together, you can use your sensory perception skills – there are so many options.”
If you want to talk about the expectations in your relationship with a professional, you are welcome to arrange a free appointment in one of the numerous Austrian family counseling centers.
*) Answering questions with counter-questions.
Our interview partner
Martin Krautschneider works as a family counselor at the “Family Counseling Am Schöpfwerk“ in Vienna. He is a trained social education specialist and psychotherapist.
Familienberatung Am Schöpfwerk
Am Schöpfwerk 29/14
1120 Vienna
The interview was conducted in November 2021.
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