How children can be well prepared for life-changing situations

“The most common topic we come across in the counselling sessions is separation and divorce of the parents – it’s a particularly drastic break,” explains Michaela Harrer. People often underestimate how sensitive children are even at primary school age.  “They often suspect their parents are going to separate before the parents themselves do, and not just when there are a lot of arguments. Children can also feel responsible for their parents staying together, and that’s way too much for the little ones.”

The family advisor says “it’s important that you don’t take your children for a fool – on the one hand it’s important to name what’s happening (divorce and separation), and on the other hand it’s important to give the children a feeling of security by giving them prospects for the future. Tell them what could be important for them.” When they don’t know what exactly might happen, it’s a critical time for children and young people. Younger children might regress while older children often become isolated within themselves.

“You should make sure that no responsibility is placed on the children. They often unconsciously try to take on a role out of love, for example offering protection to the parent perceived to be the weaker,” says the expert. An honest discussion with both parents is needed to give the children back a greater sense of security, and this should happen no later than when the change is imminent. The following sentences could be helpful: We’re looking for a good solution! We can do it! We are very happy you’re here. What has happened has nothing to do with you. We will always be there for you, but it will be different.

Michaela Harrer: “You can also ask ‘what do you need to help you get through this time?’”. It’s also important to discuss what is going to stay the same, like Christmas holidays or other reference persons that will keep looking after them.

If you are facing a life-changing situation and looking for someone to talk to, you can register for a free appointment with an Austrian family counselling centre. You can use our search function to find the right facilities that are easy for you to get to.

Our interview partner

Michaela Harrer is a qualified marriage, family, life and social counsellor, a systemic child and adolescent counsellor and a registered mediator at the PE-LE family counselling centre.

PE-LE Persönlichkeit Leben
Gallmeyergasse 16/1/2
1190 Wien
Website PE-LE

The interview was conducted in February 2023.