How do I say I want to break up?
When a relationship is no longer working properly and sometimes only one of the two parties feels like that, it can be difficult to make the critical step, no matter how long the relationship has lasted and whether or not you have children together. The idea of not wanting to disappoint the other person can also be an obstacle.
“Don't wait too long, put your cards on the table,” recommends Barbara Konstanzer. If thoughts and unpleasant feelings are already starting to bubble up, you can’t hide them for too long anyway.
In the counsellor’s experience, this leads to changes in behaviour in the short or long term: you often become more impatient with your partner, you tense up in their presence – you just aren’t the same as you were when you were in love and happy. In the worst case, the attempt to hide this can lead to health problems.
“Explain why you want to end the relationship in a respectful and open way. Tell your partner what your motivations are in a way they can follow. The most important thing is to use ‘I’ messages and no accusations,” says Konstanzer.
It could be helpful to collect your thoughts, write them down and pre-formulate them before you talk to your partner. “But don’t write a letter and definitely not an email, WhatsApp or anything like that. That can be really insulting. Have the face-to-face discussion even if it’s difficult for you.”
If, during the break-up discussion, it turns out that you both want a new start, the counsellor says that’s not a problem: “you can try it out, but you need to be clear about what needs to change and when you can fix that at certain points.”
If you’re worried about how your partner might react, can’t find the right words or want to talk to someone who’s trained in these issues for another reason, you can do so free of charge at one of the Austrian counselling centres. Call and make an appointment.
Our interview partner
Barbara Konstanzer is a family counsellor in the team at the Familienberatungsstelle Mattersburg, Burgenland.
Mattersburg Family Counselling Centre
Angergasse 1
7210 Mattersburg
Webseite der Familienberatung Mattersburg
The interview was conducted in November 2022.
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